Fully Alive
by CodenameCali
Summary: A look into Cyclop's thoughts when he left for Alkali Lake in the third movie. Oneshot. ScottxJean CyclopxPhoenix Angsty


**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just had to let my muse out. And this is the form it chose to take.**

**A/N: Oneshot. Takes place during X3, when Cyclops (Scott Summers) drives his motorcycle out to the lake.**

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Fully Alive

He stood there, blankly staring out into the void. Or at least, that's how he has thought of it ever since the…….that day. To call it an act of selflessness, sacrifice, or even a miracle was putting too much a name to it. Made it too real for his already shattered heart, and torn mind. Funny how this place, where the event of his unhinging occurred, is the only place he finds solace now. In a world cloaked in ruby red, all he can see is her.

How she was before…_he_ came. And especially afterwards. Liberty Island. Nothing ever happened, at least not to his own knowledge. And if it ever did, it obviously wasn't enough of an attraction to pull her away from him. From their marriage. From their love. He wasn't strong enough, smart enough, fast enough, or…..he just wasn't enough to be the hero he was portrayed as, to save the one thing that matters most to him.

People tell him that it wasn't his fault. That they were there too, standing in the same exact shoes as he. But they weren't. Not really. They weren't the one married to her, the one who slept next to her each night, the one that swore to protect her until HIS own death. No, they didn't have an ounce of knowledge of how much the blame rested solely on his shoulders! Not even Xavier. So much for the two strongest telepaths he knew of.

How was he suppose to continue his life at the school, when so much of it included her. What was he suppose to do? Forget. Forget her? So that he could "live" again. Get on with his life? A life without her. He didn't want such a life. He'd been with her for too long for something like this to happen. They'd been through too much.

Now all the mansion held for him was memories. Both bad and good. Either way, it was impossible to forget when he was surrounded by her memory every day. Maybe he'd drown himself. He'd rather join her, wherever she is, than to sit at that damned school another day.

Grieving. If that's what you could call it, now that it had reached this level. There was no where else he could go and just forget his life. It was too hard. His body and mind both were exhausted in his effort to……..to what? Heal?! He'd never see the day his wounded heart and life were sewn back together and mended just like it had never happened.

Unless he was with her. To be with her, to be dead. That was his only option. How were they suppose to understand that? The almighty, righteous, HEROS! Naïve young children, and adults that were only fooling themselves into fighting for the "right" side. The "good" side. There are no sides for a man without a sliver hope or any will to speak of.

"Jean…" He sighed.

Suddenly, it was as if Jean's voice was in his head. Like it used to be, when they would have private conversations. Soothing him, loving him, it felt as if she were there with him, using her powers. ALIVE. His mind was all too ready to believe and then he realized that was impossible, that the love of his life was DEAD! GONE FOREVER! RIPPED AWAY FROM HIM!

He felt his blood boil, liquid fire running through his veins. Empowering him, urging the adrenaline in his body to let all the anguish out physically. His teeth were clamped down tight, hands balled into fist when all his rage consumed him and he shot out a laser beam towards his forever enemy. The lake. Alkali. It surged throughout the water, slicing it open, causing the lake to steam.

He fell to his knees, ready to fall into oblivion. Ready to give into the darkness that had beckoned him every since he stepped off the jet. Maybe he would fall unconscious and not wake up again in this body. But in a new body. One that could not feel pain, sorrow, fatigue...just joy, love, and strength. Then he could see Jean again. Then he would truly "move on".

Once the decision was made, all he had to do was lay down, his vision was blurring a bit anyway. Whether from the tears or lack of energy he doesn't remember. The one thing he does though, is seeing his goddess rise from the depths of her water encased prison. Fully Alive.

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